Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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