Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
