please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
