If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
