I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
