I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
