if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
