In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize