about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize