I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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