capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize