y did u give ur computer a hand job?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
