I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
