Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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