Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
