watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
