it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize