well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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