I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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