my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
