Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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