remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
