I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
