EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you would pick up someone in the library
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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