I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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