when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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