happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize