my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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