YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
