I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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