i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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