my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
