I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
