this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
