Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize