Will you blow on my dice?
from now on my penis is your penis
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
