Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize