Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
