I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
