After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
not ubering you a puppy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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