so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
