We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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