my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
