Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
