omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
