I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
