Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
