wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
