but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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