textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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