my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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