Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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