Your face is a jimmy john
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
