Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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