i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
