If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You're like the curious george of whores
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
