you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
