how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
