filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
