I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
